“It feels like we have the same argument again and again!” Or “They just do not care about my
feelings”. These are two common refrains I hear from couples I work with. They feel as if they
“aren’t getting anywhere” and/or “aren’t being heard or understood”. While each situation for
each couple is unique along with the issues that may cause these altercations, this overall
pattern is a common issue. And it IS most likely true you are having the same argument
repeatedly! Every couple has a cycle and that most likely originates from not feeling like you are
being heard, cared about, appreciated or important.
What do I mean when I say “every couple has a cycle”? According to emotionally focused
therapy (EFT) we have a primary attachment need that is wanting to be met and when we feel
the person is not being ARE (Accessible, Responsive and Engaged), then this results in our
feeling alone and disconnected, manifesting in “adult tantrums” of ignoring (physically walking
away or emotionally shutting down) or protesting (which can look like yelling or questioning). I
am going to walk through what each step of ARE can look like and how being ARE to your
partner can help you BOTH feel more connected.
A- Accessible. Being Accessible means your partner is there for you and you can reach
them when you need them, whether than be physically, emotionally, or both. If you
have a bad day, is your partner there for you to be able to talk to them? A good way to
help navigate this is by asking your partner if they are in a space to sit and listen. If not,
do they offer another time to talk, or can you identify one that works for both of you?
Inversely, if you know your partner is going to have a hard day but know you will likely
not be available to them, letting them know ahead of time you care but may not be
accessible could also prove helpful.
R- Responsive. This is when you/your partner can respond in a way which allows you to feel
heard and validated. For example, if you have a bad day and want to talk to your partner, they
are able to reflectively listen resulting in your leaving the conversation feeling as if they were
able to hold your emotions, validate them and help you feel like they listened and cared about
your feelings. Many times, I encourage couples to slow down and just listen when their partner
is talking, to ask questions about how their partner is feeling and ways you can support the
other person during this time. Many times we are quick to offer advice but that may not be
what the other person is looking for.
E- Engaged- Engagement is when you are not only listening, but actively listening. This
means that you are making eye contact with your partner, not distracted by other things such
as looking on your phone, and sitting and showing interest in what your partner is talking
about. It provides a safe feeling of “you are here with me and care”. Tools to increase
engagement include things such as putting down your phone, turning off the tv, and generally
being present when your partner wants to connect.
Take time to slow down in your relationship, put down the technology, and make time for one
another. Plan a date night, check in when you feel like you need to connect or can tell your
partner may need to do so. Date nights do not have to be expensive or even out of the house.
You can plan a picnic in your living room or come up with fun or insightful questions to ask each
other. Gottman has a card deck application to help spark fun and connective questions. When
an important issue arises, you want to talk about or you are feeling disconnected, ask your
partner for a time they can sit down, talk, and connect with you. Asking for a time or checking
in with your partner to see if they are open to being present will help you feel attended to and
inversely, help your partner feel as if they are able to emotionally attend to you.
