Which attachment style are you? Early childhood experiences shape how we view our partner’s actions, how we see ourselves, and how we respond to certain triggers.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Psychologists categorize attachment styles into four primary types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant (also known as disorganized). These typically develop based on how our parents or caretakers responded to us or can be shaped by trauma we have experienced.
1. Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style usually come from families where their needs were met. If they cried or expressed emotions, they were most likely met with compassion, curiosity, and understanding.
Signs of a secure attachment style:
- Comfortable expressing emotions and needs
- Trusting and supportive in relationships
- Healthy balance of independence and intimacy
- Resilient during conflicts and breakups
2. Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)
Those with this attachment style typically crave connection and may move very quickly in relationships. They sometimes appear co-dependent, minimize their own needs, or blame themselves. They tend to fear abandonment, which may lead them to tolerate behaviors that do not meet their needs or seek reassurance in ways that can push away a more avoidant partner. Parents may have had anxiety themselves or were inconsistent in providing emotional support.
Signs of an anxious attachment style:
- Fear of rejection or abandonment
- Tendency to overanalyze a partner’s actions
- High emotional sensitivity and reactivity
- Difficulty feeling secure without reassurance
3. Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive)
People with this attachment style were often shamed for their emotions as children or had their emotional needs ignored. As a result, they tend to avoid expressing emotions and may shut down in conflict. They are more likely to withdraw in relationships, believing that sharing emotions will lead to further conflict.
Signs of an avoidant attachment style:
- Discomfort with emotional closeness
- Preference for self-reliance over dependence
- Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
- Tendency to push people away when feeling vulnerable
4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized)
Individuals with this attachment style crave intimacy and connection but also push people away. This pattern often stems from childhood trauma or inconsistent caregiving. Parents may have been loving at times but punishing at others without consistency or reason. Abuse or emotional neglect could have played a role in this person’s development. They may have also been shamed for expressing their needs.
Signs of a fearful-avoidant attachment style:
- Mixed signals in relationships (push-pull dynamic)
- Fear of getting too close while also fearing rejection
- Struggles with trust and emotional regulation
- High levels of emotional turmoil in relationships
How Attachment Styles Impact Relationships
Attachment styles influence the partners we choose, what we perceive as acceptable in a relationship, and what triggers us. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may be drawn to a partner with an avoidant attachment style in an attempt to heal a childhood wound. At first, the attention from the avoidant partner may feel amazing, but when that attention fades, the anxious partner may blame themselves and believe they need to earn back that affection to feel worthy. Meanwhile, the avoidant partner may initially enjoy the anxious partner’s affection but later feel overwhelmed, believing they are failing to meet their partner’s needs, which leads them to pull away.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! While attachment styles are formed in childhood, they can shift with therapy, self-awareness, and intentional work on healing past trauma. Gaining insight into your attachment style is the first step toward creating healthier relationships.
Final Thoughts
Working toward secure attachment is possible. I am a recovering anxious attachment person myself. Through self-work, therapy, and compassionate self-reflection, you can move toward secure attachment and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
